Frustration, confusion, loneliness , denial, heartbroken, emptiness. 6 of the many emotions that I struggled with after loosing my Mum and I probably do still struggle with a few of them feelings 10 years on but I also have new feelings, of realisation, peace and acceptance.
If you haven't lost your Mum or a parent, you won't fully understand the depths of grief a person goes through when they loose someone that close, they can tell you their 'Sorry to hear' and 'Always around for a shoulder to cry on' which is lovely but they wont be able to understand the empty feeling and the sheer heartbreak.
Your Mother is the one who brought you into this world, rocked you to sleep as a baby, put plasters on your knees and kissed them better when you fell over ,she also kissed your head and told you everything would be ok when you were feeling down and My AMAZING Mum done all of the above and SO much more.
This weekend marked 10 years since I lost my 'bestest friend' and although I've had to learn to live with it, it doesn't make it any less painful. I think about her every single day without fail, most days it's beautiful memories and things that make me smile, but I do have the occasional days where I have a good old cry. It sounds crazy but I've sort of trained myself to put the stomach wrenching feeling and bad memories of the day it happened all to the back of my brain, because as much as I'm still heartbroken I have to get on with my life, for the sake of my own sanity and what my Mum would want.
I mentioned earlier the feelings that have come to me since loosing her ' realisation, peace and acceptance. We lost my Mum VERY suddenly, but I have come to realise this was the best way and I am now at peace knowing she chose to end her life, no matter how crazy that sounds to people, it's what she wanted and I'd much rather that than her life taken from her out of her control and it's how I deal with the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I was 15 went 'it' happened, our last words to each other where 'love you' on the phone, this wasn't anything out of the ordinary we always told each other we loved each other at the end of a call and my god aren't I glad we did because I will never ever forget her saying those 2 words & I will continue to tell loved ones that I love them before hanging up, because this time I found my beautiful Mummy dead just one hour later.
I'm aware that last sentence was very brutal, but its the harsh reality of suicide, someone is always going to find the 'body' and have deal with the scary situation in front of them, I called the ambulance and tried to resuscitate her and although it will forever live with me, I am SO glad my little sister didn't find her (12 at the time) and I'm also glad my Dad didn't either, because I've dealt with it and feel incredibly lucky that it hasn't had any lasting effects... I don't think? infact it's made me so much stronger, it may not have been the same for my Dad or sister who knows, but I've taken it on my shoulders and dealt with it. The image is the part 'I've put to the back of my brain' And I suppose I've kind of 'deleted' it in a round about way, It's not something I'll allow myself to replay, unless talking about it.
I'll never forget breaking it to my Dad when he came home, the ambulance crew were at our house doing what they could (I knew it was too late even though I prayed for a miracle in my little downstairs toilet) we all sat in the living room and cried and screamed and cuddled, I shouted at the paramedic 'your lying' when he told us she was definitely gone, even though I knew he wasn't lying, id seen for myself, but my heart wouldn't let me believe him, how could she be gone?! Then there was the terrifying job of breaking it to family and friends, our family is huge and all over the UK and my Mum was so loved, our house was full within a few hours, everyone had travelled from everywhere to be with us at this heart breaking time. For a week after I slept in her favourite coat (I say slept, but I mostly just cried), it comforted me, it upset me but most of all it reminded me of her smell. I remember going into my kitchen and falling to the floor wondering how I was going to cope without her?! but its 10 years on and I think I'm doing pretty well considering!
A lot of people say to me 'Aren't you angry at your Mum for leaving you?' How on earth can I be angry? I'm upset of course that I have to live my life 'Mum-less', but what sort of dark place must she have been in to take her own life and leave us behind? I'm sure it was the last thing on her mind about who would find her, and what effects it would have on us all through life, and I have to respect that it was her decision, and her life, and who am I to judge? I've been through some scary mental health but have never ever felt suicidal so what on earth was she going through! this world wasn't for her and it would be selfish of me to put my feelings first, I have no doubt in my mind that she loved the bones off of us but clearly something so strong was going on 'behind closed doors' that her love for us wasn't enough to keep her here. I struggle the most with thoughts like If I'd of been older could I have helped in some way? could I of tried to understand? but I was 15, she wouldn't have wanted me to understand and that is why she kept it so well hidden, to protect us whilst she could ,whilst she was still here and had it left in her to.
Although it's still hard and she's missed out on so much, my prom, big birthdays and most recent her 1st Grandson, I really do just want to thank her from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you Mum for bringing me into this world, for spending 15 amazing years with me... teaching me, giving me certain traits, good and bad lol! and just most of all being my Mum, I couldn't have asked for anyone better, you gave everything you could to us whilst you were here.
I spoke to a psychic when I was about 20, I remember feeling so so nervous, I've never believed in that 'shit' but was still scared? my pal begged me to go so I reluctantly agreed. My Mum came through, the lady told me, the month , how it happened and how old she was.. how the flipping hell could she know all that? she didn't know mine or my friends name? there was one thing she said that will always stick with me 'She's not saying too much because of the way she died, she's ashamed' I don't want her to be ashamed, I'm not, I love her and always will.
It's taken me 3 days to write this post, I struggled with how I should tell this story and cried a few times, but there's no sugar coating suicide , mental health and its devastating effects, there is just NOT enough being done about it even 10 years on, it shouldn't be the only way out for people.... our loved ones and it should be spoken about so much more.
To lighten up this post here are a few pics in which we celebrated her life on the 10th anniversary.
I mentioned earlier the feelings that have come to me since loosing her ' realisation, peace and acceptance. We lost my Mum VERY suddenly, but I have come to realise this was the best way and I am now at peace knowing she chose to end her life, no matter how crazy that sounds to people, it's what she wanted and I'd much rather that than her life taken from her out of her control and it's how I deal with the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I was 15 went 'it' happened, our last words to each other where 'love you' on the phone, this wasn't anything out of the ordinary we always told each other we loved each other at the end of a call and my god aren't I glad we did because I will never ever forget her saying those 2 words & I will continue to tell loved ones that I love them before hanging up, because this time I found my beautiful Mummy dead just one hour later.
I'm aware that last sentence was very brutal, but its the harsh reality of suicide, someone is always going to find the 'body' and have deal with the scary situation in front of them, I called the ambulance and tried to resuscitate her and although it will forever live with me, I am SO glad my little sister didn't find her (12 at the time) and I'm also glad my Dad didn't either, because I've dealt with it and feel incredibly lucky that it hasn't had any lasting effects... I don't think? infact it's made me so much stronger, it may not have been the same for my Dad or sister who knows, but I've taken it on my shoulders and dealt with it. The image is the part 'I've put to the back of my brain' And I suppose I've kind of 'deleted' it in a round about way, It's not something I'll allow myself to replay, unless talking about it.
I'll never forget breaking it to my Dad when he came home, the ambulance crew were at our house doing what they could (I knew it was too late even though I prayed for a miracle in my little downstairs toilet) we all sat in the living room and cried and screamed and cuddled, I shouted at the paramedic 'your lying' when he told us she was definitely gone, even though I knew he wasn't lying, id seen for myself, but my heart wouldn't let me believe him, how could she be gone?! Then there was the terrifying job of breaking it to family and friends, our family is huge and all over the UK and my Mum was so loved, our house was full within a few hours, everyone had travelled from everywhere to be with us at this heart breaking time. For a week after I slept in her favourite coat (I say slept, but I mostly just cried), it comforted me, it upset me but most of all it reminded me of her smell. I remember going into my kitchen and falling to the floor wondering how I was going to cope without her?! but its 10 years on and I think I'm doing pretty well considering!
A lot of people say to me 'Aren't you angry at your Mum for leaving you?' How on earth can I be angry? I'm upset of course that I have to live my life 'Mum-less', but what sort of dark place must she have been in to take her own life and leave us behind? I'm sure it was the last thing on her mind about who would find her, and what effects it would have on us all through life, and I have to respect that it was her decision, and her life, and who am I to judge? I've been through some scary mental health but have never ever felt suicidal so what on earth was she going through! this world wasn't for her and it would be selfish of me to put my feelings first, I have no doubt in my mind that she loved the bones off of us but clearly something so strong was going on 'behind closed doors' that her love for us wasn't enough to keep her here. I struggle the most with thoughts like If I'd of been older could I have helped in some way? could I of tried to understand? but I was 15, she wouldn't have wanted me to understand and that is why she kept it so well hidden, to protect us whilst she could ,whilst she was still here and had it left in her to.
Although it's still hard and she's missed out on so much, my prom, big birthdays and most recent her 1st Grandson, I really do just want to thank her from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you Mum for bringing me into this world, for spending 15 amazing years with me... teaching me, giving me certain traits, good and bad lol! and just most of all being my Mum, I couldn't have asked for anyone better, you gave everything you could to us whilst you were here.
I spoke to a psychic when I was about 20, I remember feeling so so nervous, I've never believed in that 'shit' but was still scared? my pal begged me to go so I reluctantly agreed. My Mum came through, the lady told me, the month , how it happened and how old she was.. how the flipping hell could she know all that? she didn't know mine or my friends name? there was one thing she said that will always stick with me 'She's not saying too much because of the way she died, she's ashamed' I don't want her to be ashamed, I'm not, I love her and always will.
It's taken me 3 days to write this post, I struggled with how I should tell this story and cried a few times, but there's no sugar coating suicide , mental health and its devastating effects, there is just NOT enough being done about it even 10 years on, it shouldn't be the only way out for people.... our loved ones and it should be spoken about so much more.
To lighten up this post here are a few pics in which we celebrated her life on the 10th anniversary.
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