Maternity wear

So I realise I'm not actually dressing a bump anymore but I thought I'd share how I did dress when I was keith cheggers as so many people asked me where I bought my 'Maternity wear' and some even asked me to sell my bits when I'd finished!

 

Being a lifestyle and fashion blogger I like to reveal a few 'top secrets'... NONE of what I wore when pregnant was maternity wear or any bigger than a size 10.. I realise that sounds totally BIG headed and 'braggy' but I promise you it is not, I'm just basically wanting to make people realise just because we may look like Christmas puddings, if you don't/didn't I HATE YOU (I was allllll bump and quite a lot of chin haha) doesn't mean we can't look, feel good or fit into 'normal' clothing... I done it so TRUST ME, its all about having a play around ladies!! Now I'm also not saying everyone is going to fit into a size 10, what I'm saying is you don't need to go way above your regular dress size just because pregnant.

 

Like seriously, if it's not hard enough when those two blue lines show up and you have to eat healthy, give up Prosecco and jack in cheese and pate at least give us a decent range of clothes...let us look good?! or try anyway? why is 'maternity wear' so flipping drab? just because 'all things fun' have been taken away for 9 months (Rides, dancing for more than ten mins because of cankles and sex in most positions) don't suck the life out of my wardrobe yeh? 

 

Below are a few maternity outfits...

 

 

So I tried to be quite clever with my outfits, the white shirt I have on is one of my faves from Topshop, just because I couldn't wear It like normal 'done up' didn't mean I couldn't wear at all.. I used as a layer and left open over a size 10 Topshop dress, what I found is I could still wear most of my dresses (stretchy material ones) just obviously they were a lot shorter because of my bump.

 Now in my last outfit description I said about wearing only my 'stretchy dresses' ok this dress IS NOT stretchy it has a zip up the back (Myleene Klass range) and is a size 8... but I was out for a beautiful posh lunch and NEEDED to wear it... how on earth did I fit into it... I didn't. The back was actually only a tiny bit done up, I just made sure I wore the khaki 'duster' (You can just about see it) to cover the undone zip.

 

Story of my life was wanting so badly to wear my lovely heels but not lasting very long so taking an extra pair of shoes with me.

 This outfit is a perfect comfy outfit, a slinky black Zara top in a size 10 and then my lounge wear 'lazy day'  H&M bottoms that are actually meant to look baggy anyway, I'd of usually worn higher up without bump, but to make this outfit work I wore them just under, they can be loosened to so wasn't uncomfy and the top covered over the 'waist band' of the trackys. My jacket is a Miss guided number, perfect for 'chucking on' and adding a bit of 'sass?' lol! I think by this point I had flipflops on... flippin swollen feet.

 This is a work outfit, I love a good tight fitted pencil skirt... the thought of putting them to the 'For when I've had the baby' pile just didn't work in my brain, so I made it work on my bump! the waist band of this primark pencil is black, so I teamed with a black skirt and just wore it up really high, ok so this would have looked stupid if the waist band didn't match the top colour, because this way it gave the illusion that it wasn't so high when really I was impersonating Simon cowell.

I cant get my head around this picture.. I was 37 weeks plus 2 days! wheres my big bump lol?! these are not maternity jeans, these are good old Topshop Jonis, basically just worn really low (being high waisted theres extra 'give' in them) and then the un-done-ness was covered with a basic stretchy black top and then a miss guided shirt left open to spruce things up

 So with the previous outfits I've spoken about leaving shirts open, the shirt under this dress is done up as you can see, I've only been able to do wear it done up because the dress is covering what the shirt is showing (a lot of bump) I went to a size 10 with the dress as I wore it with chunky jumpers too!

 This is the day before I gave birth, a tight Topshop number, I really think its important to embrace the bump! I enjoyed showing off my bump, so tight stretchy bits were a regular when pregnant.

 

So to conclude, for me it was important to still try and feel 'nice' I felt so crappy with my pregnancy in a lot of ways that, my wardrobe was a tiny little escape, Just because something doesn't do up... doesn't mean you cant wear it (as long as still comfy) just wear in different ways! have a play around! embrace that bump!!!

 

 

Our story

Ok, so I can't even believe I am about to be nice about a... boy (Man)

nearly 4 years ago (Jesus Christ has it been that long already?!) it was totally UNHEARD of, I hated men, loved partying with my besties and just wasn't interested in the whole getting a 'snuggle partner' and settling down...nnuuhhh uhhhh, no thank you! 

 

I lived in a HUGEEEE 3 story 4 bed house with 3 of my gal pals and just loved life. I enjoyed spending my evenings running round the house playing hide and seek (really mature huns), jumping on each others beds and cooking dinners together, I mean Girls rule, boys drool right? so who wouldn't be happy with basically 4 wardrobes and a weekend filled with Prosecco and singing into hairbrushes whilst making a stage out of chairs? The only commitment in my life, apart from my full time job...lols was, well....nothing!!! I was truly happy on my own and wasn't looking for 'love.'

 

With our own place and a love for a night out, weekends were spent throwing partys and throwing up after one too many, not to mention the hangovers from HELL.

 

It was May bank holiday weekend and another 'Party back at ours' a group of lads we knew were over, there was this short boy Josh I hadn't met before ,so I threw him an insult in a banter kind of way as an 'ice breaker' and he gave it right back to me... Hmmm? this is refreshing I thought STRAIGHT AWAY,now this is totally not me being big headed as I'm sure its the same for every girl, but I was sooooooooo bored of blokes giving me compliments because they thought its what I wanted to hear, or would get them into my bed, we continued to 'insult' each other in a flirty banter kind of way and then I gave him a drunken tour of my house... hahaha!! no seriously, that's not like code words for doing 'the deed' I genuinely showed this short boy around my house, poor love probs thought it was, only to be shown where I brushed my teeth, kept my coats and watched air crash investigations (my fave) star fished under my duvet.

 

He sent me a message on Twitter the next morning saying 'Party at yours again tonight' to which I told him to 'ask me when im drunk' The thought of seeing a bloke again and planned was a bit weird sober, but it wasn't a date I told myself, it was nothing more than mates and we had a laugh the night before so I thought why not? and there'd be a few of us again, so he did as I said and asked me later that evening if him and the boys could come over. This happened most weekends, it was sort of like a routine, we'd have a night out and then 'the boys' would come back after a night out, nothing 'sleazy' and we weren't 'doing the deed' which again was refreshing to just have male company that wasn't 'leading anywhere.' Me and Josh would text alllllll day everyday, never anything soppy, but a little flirty and always full of insults haha!! (banter type insults) again refreshing, Josh clearly worked out quickly that I wasn't looking for dates or a boyfriend or even anything 'between the sheets' just fun filled weekends and a right good laugh.

 

A few months down the line and things between me and josh progressed, in a relaxed type of way though but there were clearly feelings on both sides, he told me he was coming over to watch Xfactor, although I fancied him I wasn't sure I was quite ready for a 'cosy night in' with him, I enjoyed what it was so I told him I was busy. Fair play to the boy, he didn't give up and he finally got his night in with me, which did end up turning into a drunken one with the girls and some other boy pals but nether the less, I'd agreed to a night just me and him so surely this meant something?

 

It was the week leading up to Christmas (6 months after first meeting), we text each other every day, he'd stay round most weekends and neither of us were seeing anyone else, we actually went on our first proper 'date' I know people are probs thinking... 6 months and no date, but like I said, I wasn't down to date I enjoyed the relaxedness of our situation and I made it very clear to Josh I don't rush into things. As usual we were having a brilliant night, it felt right being out together and we clearly enjoyed each others company, we never 'labelled us' we just sort of went with the flow, so when Josh bumped into a friend and he asked 'how long we'd been together' Josh told him a few months, I didn't know how to react to his answer because we weren't together, we'd not had 'that convo' but secretly inside I loved his answer and I had little butterfly's, obv I played it cool as a cucumber though and gave him some banter for basically just telling his mate I was his GF, 'without my permission'. We went back to mine so I could grab some heels and we could call a taxi to go out, I walked into my dining room where Josh was sat with a HUGE fancy dress sharks head on and smoking a fag... he doesn't even smoke hahaha!! once I'd sat down he said to me (still with the sharks head on) 'I'd like you to be my girlfriend' Romantic or whattttt?!  I went all embarrassed and asked him to ask me when he was sober, he continued to ask me all night and then obviously again in the morning.

 

So a changed Facebook relationship status & Nearly 4 years later and we now have a place together and a little baby Freddie.

 

I literally have the biggest smile on my face writing 'Our story' because to me It was perfect, I hadn't been looking for someone to come and sweep me off my feet or take me on fancy dates to try and impress me, I had literally been waiting for a 'Josh' to come along. The boy just got me and slowly broke down my huge big wall I had up and that's how I knew he was and still is the one.

 

And now I'm a huge big soppy puppy dog and couldn't imagine my life without him.

 

 

3648 days...

Frustration, confusion, loneliness , denial, heartbroken, emptiness. 6 of the many emotions that I struggled with after loosing my Mum and I probably do still struggle with a few of them feelings 10 years on but I also have new feelings, of realisation, peace and acceptance.

If you haven't lost your Mum or a parent, you won't fully understand the depths of grief a person goes through when they loose someone that close, they can tell you their 'Sorry to hear' and 'Always around for a shoulder to cry on' which is lovely but they wont be able to understand the empty feeling and the sheer heartbreak.

 Your Mother is the one who brought you into this world, rocked you to sleep as a baby, put plasters on your knees and kissed them better when you fell over ,she also kissed your head and told you everything would be ok when you were feeling down and My AMAZING Mum done all of the above and SO much more.

This weekend marked 10 years since I lost my 'bestest friend' and although I've had to learn to live with it, it doesn't make it any less painful. I think about her every single day without fail, most days it's beautiful memories and things that make me smile, but I do have the occasional days where I have a good old cry. It sounds crazy but I've sort of trained myself to put the stomach wrenching feeling and bad memories of the day it happened all to the back of my brain, because as much as I'm still heartbroken I have to get on with my life, for the sake of my own sanity and what my Mum would want.

I mentioned earlier the feelings that have come to me since loosing her ' realisation, peace and acceptance. We lost my Mum VERY suddenly, but I have come to realise this was the best way and I am now at peace knowing she chose to end her life, no matter how crazy that sounds to people, it's what she wanted and I'd much rather that than her life taken from her out of her control and it's how I deal with the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I was 15 went 'it' happened, our last words to each other where 'love you' on the phone, this wasn't anything out of the ordinary we always told each other we loved each other at the end of a call and my god aren't I glad we did because I will never ever forget her saying those 2 words & I will continue to tell loved ones that I love them before hanging up, because this time I found my beautiful Mummy dead just one hour later.

I'm aware that last sentence was very brutal, but its the harsh reality of suicide, someone is always going to find the 'body' and have deal with the scary situation in front of them, I called the ambulance and tried to resuscitate her and although it will forever live with me, I am SO glad my little sister didn't find her (12 at the time) and I'm also glad my Dad didn't either, because I've dealt with it and feel incredibly lucky that it hasn't had any lasting effects... I don't think? infact it's made me so much stronger, it may not have been the same for my Dad or sister who knows, but I've taken it on my shoulders and dealt with it. The image is the part 'I've put to the back of my brain' And I suppose I've kind of 'deleted' it in a round about way, It's not something I'll allow myself to replay, unless talking about it.

I'll never forget breaking it to my Dad when he came home, the ambulance crew were at our house doing what they could (I knew it was too late even though I prayed for a miracle in my little downstairs toilet) we all sat in the living room and cried and screamed and cuddled, I shouted at the paramedic 'your lying' when he told us she was definitely gone, even though I knew he wasn't lying, id seen for myself, but my heart wouldn't let me believe him, how could she be gone?! Then there was the terrifying job of breaking it to family and friends, our family is huge and all over the UK and my Mum was so loved, our house was full within a few hours, everyone had travelled from everywhere to be with us at this heart breaking time.  For a week after I slept in her favourite coat (I say slept, but I mostly just cried), it comforted me, it upset me but most of all it reminded me of her smell. I remember going into my kitchen and falling to the floor wondering how I was going to cope without her?! but its 10 years on and I think I'm doing pretty well considering!

A lot of people say to me 'Aren't you angry at your Mum for leaving you?' How on earth can I be angry? I'm upset of course that I have to live my life 'Mum-less', but what sort of dark place must she have been in to take her own life and leave us behind? I'm sure it was the last thing on her mind about who would find her, and what effects it would have on us all through life, and I have to respect that it was her decision, and her life, and who am I to judge? I've been through some scary mental health but have never ever felt suicidal so what on earth was she going through! this world wasn't for her and it would be selfish of me to put my feelings first, I have no doubt in my mind that she loved the bones off of us but clearly something so strong was going on 'behind closed doors' that her love for us wasn't enough to keep her here. I struggle the most with thoughts like If I'd of been older could I have helped in some way? could I of tried to understand? but I was 15, she wouldn't have wanted me to understand and that is why she kept it so well hidden, to protect us whilst she could ,whilst she was still here and had it left in her to.

Although it's still hard and she's missed out on so much, my prom, big birthdays and most recent her 1st Grandson, I really do just want to thank her from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you Mum for bringing me into this world, for spending 15 amazing years with me... teaching me, giving me certain traits, good and bad lol! and just most of all being my Mum, I couldn't have asked for anyone better, you gave everything you could to us whilst you were here.

I spoke to a psychic when I was about 20, I remember feeling so so nervous, I've never believed in that 'shit' but was still scared? my pal begged me to go so I reluctantly agreed. My Mum came through, the lady told me, the month , how it happened and how old she was.. how the flipping hell could she know all that? she didn't know mine or my friends name? there was one thing she said that will always stick with me 'She's not saying too much because of the way she died, she's ashamed' I don't want her to be ashamed, I'm not, I love her and always will.

It's taken me 3 days to write this post, I struggled with how I should tell this story and cried a few times, but there's no sugar coating suicide , mental health and its devastating effects, there is just NOT enough being done about it even 10 years on, it shouldn't be the only way out for people.... our loved ones and it should be spoken about so much more.

To lighten up this post here are a few pics in which we celebrated her life on the 10th anniversary.